I'm back

Well lookie here, I'm updating. I hope I can remember how this thing works since I've taken a 2 month hiatus.

I am disappointed with myself. I am disappointed not so much with particular things I have done as with aspects of who I have become. I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be.

Got your attention? Those words got mine as I read them from John Ortberg's The Life You've Always Wanted. So much of what he says throughout the book (I'm only on the 5th chapter, though) strike close to home with me. I feel like I could have written this book myself with the way life has been lately. Bear with me; I'm in an introspective mood.

I am disappointed that I still love God so little and sin so much. I always had the idea as a child that adults were pretty much the people they wanted to be. Yet the truth is, I am embarrassingly sinful. I am capable of dismaying amounts of jealousy if someone succeeds more visibly than I do. I am disappointed at my capacity to be small and petty. I cannot pray for very long without my mind drifting into a fantasy of angry revenge over some past slight I thought I had long since forgiven or some grandiose fantasy of achievement. I can convince people I'm busy and productive and yet waste large amounts of time watching television. ...

For many years I thought about this [my spiritual life] only in terms of a few special activities. If someone asked me how my spiritual life was going, my first thought would be how I was doing at having a quiet time - praying and reading the Bible each day. If I had prayed and read the Bible for several consecutive prior days, I was likely to say that my spiritual life was going well. If not, I was likely to feel guilty and downcast. So prayer and Bible study became the gauge of my spiritual condition... But God's primary assessment of our lives is not going to be measured by the number of journal entries.

Was that me or Mr. Ortberg writing?? I've been having this exact same problem as far as QTs go lately.
that's pretty much me right now.... expecting more from myself... feeling like i'm missing out on something and not really knowing what to do to find it.
I'm being really philosophical right now. That's not usually me...I'm not usually that deep, but I really think I'm becoming too comfortable with where I am. I'm becoming used to my short-comings and I'm okay with that. I use it as an excuse live a mediocre life when I could be experiencing greater things.

wow. where did that come from? i've been thinking too much. aaaah brain cramp! good night!